Prick Version 2.0
Written by Casey Douglass
(Bad language / adult content below)
‘How are you
feeling?’
‘Not bad thanks.’
‘Okay, how are you
really feeling? You’re grinning like a Cheshire cat!’
‘They’ve pumped me
full of happy pills or something Rod! It’s amazing!’
‘Thought so. Shit!’
‘Don’t be a hater
Roddy boy!’
‘I’m not being a
hater Phil, it’s just that I need you to be more with it if this is
going to happen.’
‘Oooh the packing
case over there... is that your new toy?’
‘It is.’
‘And I’m the lucky
guinea pig?’
‘You are, if you want
to be.’
‘Hmmm.’
‘You don’t?’
‘I thought you said
you couldn’t get it to work safely with rats? If it made poor old
Roland’s brain leak out of his ears, why will it work for me?’
‘We’ve improved it
since then, the guys and girls at the lab are a talented bunch. I’ll
admit it still wouldn’t be allowed to be used anywhere though, for many
years, if ever.’
‘Maybe you had it set
to liquidise rather than blend last time. Sounds just groovy.’
‘Think it over
properly, you know what I said it can do.’
‘Rewrite my mental
firmware with something a bit less... depressed?’
‘Something like
that.’
‘What if it goes
wrong?’
‘Then you’ll
probably be a vegetable. This is why I need you to be more with it
Phil, you need to understand what you are saying yes to. You’re my
friend and if this goes wrong, the only way I`ll be able to live with
myself is to know that you really wanted me to do it. Otherwise, I
just can’t. And here you are doped up on goofballs or whatever the
doctors have got you on!’
‘Hey, I know what’s
what thanks.’
‘You know why you are
here, what happened?’
‘Indeed I do. I got
into difficulty while out for a swim.’
‘Christ. Most people
don’t swim at night, in the river, with bricks in their coat
pockets. Stop giggling for fuck sake!’
‘Maybe I’ve founded
a new Olympic sport!’
‘This is the third
time. I don’t want you to keep trying to do this, which is why I’m
risking my job just to see if I can help you. We seem to have tried
everything else and you are still hell bent on ending yourself.
You’re worrying about being a vegetable or whatever else might go
wrong... if you walk out of here in a few days and try to top
yourself again, you’ll have lost far more than your mind!’
‘Even if your gadget
works, what will you try to switch around?’
‘I’ll try doing one
small change, just to see how we get on.’
‘And that change?’
‘I was thinking
about... you know how you said a few weeks ago, about how you don’t
seem to enjoy anything any more?’
‘Yep!’
‘Please stop grinning
like that, you don’t win a prize for remembering!’
‘Sorry, go on...’
‘Well I’m going to
try to make you enjoy the fact that you don’t enjoy things, just in
the short term.’
‘Hmmm. Not very
enticing is it.’
‘Might be life saving
though. Who knows. I’m out on a limb here, this is no man’s
land.’
‘It makes me think
about something I read on the Internet awhile ago.’
‘Stop right there.’
‘Someone, for a joke,
said, imagine if your sexual fetish, the thing that turned you on the
most, was the sight of your own flaccid penis. You’d never be
happy! You’d start to get turned on, then would lose interest! It’s
like a pervy Zen koan. What’s the sound of one hand fap-’
‘It’s not really
like that!’
‘Ping!’
‘I understand your
point but it’s not. If it works we’ll fine-tune it anyway, if it
doesn’t, well, we’ll both be in the shit.’
‘Will I lose
consciousness?’
‘Maybe for a few
minutes.’
‘You won’t, you
know... interfere with me
while I’m out will you?’
‘If
I wanted to see a middle-aged man’s penis I’d pay closer
attention to my own the next time I go to the gents!’
‘Pity
you don’t do that anyway, the mess you leave around my toilet when
you miss is just criminal!’
‘Fucking
wake up Phil! This needs to happen now if it’s going to. One
chance, what’s it to be? I’m here to help you, I care about you,
but even allowing for the drugs you’re on, you are pissing me the
fuck off!’
‘Do
it.’
‘You’re
sure?’
‘Yes.’
‘Positive?’
‘Yes.’
‘What
day is it?’
‘Wednesday.’
‘What
year?’
‘2017.’
‘Which
political party is in power?’
‘That
bunch of useless wankers.’
‘That
could apply at any time but I’ll take it. Seems like you know
what’s what... Let’s get started then.’
‘I
do hope it works, and I do appreciate what you’re doing, the risks
you’re taking.’
‘I
know you do Phil, there’s no need to say it.’
‘There’s
one thing I do want to say though, before you crack open that case
and put that gizmo on my head.’
‘What’s
that?’
‘The
doctor will be doing her rounds soon. If she walks in while you’re
doing it and I’m out, she’s allowed
to interfere with me, okay? She’s a lovely lady. Irish I think.’
‘Duly
noted. You’re such a prick.’
‘That’s
Prick Version 2.0 to you!’
‘God
help me.’
THE END
Thanks for reading. I really wanted to write a dialogue only piece of fiction as apparently, I have a knack for writing interesting dialogue, according to a handful of comments at least. I've been in a darker mood than usual so it felt good to channel something into this piece. It was also quite nice to have a bit of a swear fest.
