Saturday 27 August 2016

How To Use Naughty Spam Email for Writing Inspiration

How To Use Naughty Spam Email for Writing Inspiration

Written By Casey Douglass

*Contains adult language but isn’t pornographic. Just a warning for delicate flowers visiting this post*

Over the course of the last week or so, I’ve had a particular spam email that seems to have made my junk folder its permanent home. The chances are high that it’s just an email with the same title but coming from different senders, but I’m not going to open it nor mouse over it to find out. The title is the focus of this little piece as it makes me chuckle and also, just might be a fun writing exercise.

“Save your neighbour with your cock!”

Isn’t it a doozy of a title? Now I know that spammers have to try all kinds of things to get your attention, or to get around your junk mail filter, and these usually leave a mangled mess as the title that looks more like the typer had a stroke while sending it than a proper sentence. It’s even less common for the titles to seem semi-creative. After I chuckled at this particular email’s second appearance, I got to wondering: How on earth would my neighbour ever be in a dangerous situation that would need my cock to get involved? I thought I would brainstorm some ideas, just for the hell of it, and obviously, this is just a bit of fun and not based upon my real neighbours, who are lovely people.

Okay, onto the possibilities:

Maybe an armed burglar would point a gun at us and say, “If you don’t fuck, your neighbour’s dead!” It’s a bit on the nose this one, I’m sure I can do better.

Another possibility could be that my neighbour is pinned against the wall by some slavering giant dog, more wolf than pet, whose only interest beyond killing and maiming lies in sausage-like objects dangling about 3 ft from the ground? Fucking ouch. I’ll try to avoid scenarios that end in eye-watering fashion I think.

Maybe my neighbour is defusing a complicated bomb that has so many strange wires and devices attached to it, that she needs an extra pair of hands and a handy protuberance to loop wires over to keep them out of the way? Doubt you’d ever see that scene in Mission Impossible, but if it went well, we’d all survive I’d imagine.

I might just be over thinking the title. It could mean something as simple as “save your neighbour’s blushes”. Maybe she is hosting a nude painting class and has told everyone how good it will be, but the model has dropped out and would I stand in for him? It might save my neighbour’s blushes but it wouldn’t save mine.

I'm sure that the longer I sit, the more ideas I will generate, but I think I’ve reached the end of my interest in this one now. I think it just goes to show, you don’t always need a posh writing prompt from some upmarket literature website to get your ideas popping; even the utter shite that fills your email junk folder can be fodder for pondering. Just be sensible and don’t open any of them.