How To Use Naughty Spam
Email for Writing Inspiration
Written By Casey
Douglass
*Contains adult
language but isn’t pornographic. Just a warning for delicate
flowers visiting this post*
Over the course of the
last week or so, I’ve had a particular spam email that seems to
have made my junk folder its permanent home. The chances are high
that it’s just an email with the same title but coming from
different senders, but I’m not going to open it nor mouse over it
to find out. The title is the focus of this little piece as it makes
me chuckle and also, just might be a fun writing exercise.
“Save
your neighbour with your cock!”
Isn’t it a doozy of a
title? Now I know that spammers have to try all kinds of things to
get your attention, or to get around your junk mail filter, and these
usually leave a mangled mess as the title that looks more like the
typer had a stroke while sending it than a proper sentence. It’s
even less common for the titles to seem semi-creative. After I
chuckled at this particular email’s second appearance, I got to
wondering: How on earth would my neighbour ever be in a dangerous situation
that would need my cock to get involved? I thought I would brainstorm
some ideas, just for the hell of it, and obviously, this is just a
bit of fun and not based upon my real neighbours, who are lovely
people.
Okay, onto the
possibilities:
Maybe an armed burglar
would point a gun at us and say, “If you don’t fuck, your
neighbour’s dead!” It’s a bit on the nose this one, I’m sure I
can do better.
Another possibility
could be that my neighbour is pinned against the wall by some
slavering giant dog, more wolf than pet, whose only interest beyond
killing and maiming lies in sausage-like objects dangling about 3 ft
from the ground? Fucking ouch. I’ll try to avoid scenarios that end
in eye-watering fashion I think.
Maybe my neighbour is
defusing a complicated bomb that has so many strange wires and
devices attached to it, that she needs an extra pair of hands and a
handy protuberance to loop wires over to keep them out of the way?
Doubt you’d ever see that scene in Mission Impossible, but
if it went well, we’d all survive I’d imagine.
I might just be over thinking
the title. It could mean something as simple as “save your
neighbour’s blushes”. Maybe she is hosting a nude painting class
and has told everyone how good it will be, but the model has dropped
out and would I stand in for him? It might save my neighbour’s
blushes but it wouldn’t save mine.
I'm sure that the
longer I sit, the more ideas I will generate, but I think I’ve
reached the end of my interest in this one now. I think it just goes
to show, you don’t always need a posh writing prompt from some
upmarket literature website to get your ideas popping; even the utter
shite that fills your email junk folder can be fodder for pondering.
Just be sensible and don’t open any of them.
