Dark Film Review: The Influencer

Review by Casey Douglass

Social media is the amplifier of our time. Whatever you bring to it, it boosts it and shoots it out to other people who think like you do, while its algorithms feed similar themes from others, back to you. Certain people become very well known, gaining a massive following that businesses with bundles of cash eye greedily as an untapped revenue stream. The Influencer is a dark comedy thriller that follows one such popular person as they grapple with their “brand”, the lucrative contract that comes their way, and the forces that want to use them as a pawn in their own machinations.

Abbie Rose (Kasia Szarek) is a fashion, makeup and lifestyle vlogger, trying to manage her business and her brand. Nutrocon, an exploitative cosmetic company that treats women badly, tests on animals and pollutes the environment, offers her a tasty contract, one which promises to ease her money worries. Abbie signs and a short time later finds herself suffering a home invasion by bickering masked activists. What then unfolds is a manipulative scheme, one with Abbie as the key component, the activists making use of her large following, her image and the power of technology, to try to pull off their aims.

As a thriller, The Influencer does present the viewer with a number of mysteries to ponder, and I felt that it did a decent job of answering these questions as the story ticked along. I did successfully guess what was happening a number of times, but there were certainly moments that I didn’t see coming. One of these happened almost at the ending, where the actions of one of the characters did cause me to reappraise my opinion about them, which was a pleasing and satisfying surprise.

When a film sees its characters make use of technology or the internet, how these actions are portrayed becomes very important if the viewer has any hope of following along. Thankfully, The Influencer does a really good job of mimicking and representing the social-media apps and websites integral to the story, a smooth, clear user-interface sitting comfortably over the live action beneath. Another aspect that I really enjoyed was Thomas Yount’s electronic, retro-feeling score. It felt like just the right kind of soundtrack, both warm and bouncy yet dark and ominous too.

There is humour in The Influencer, but I have to admit that most of it wasn’t really to my own taste. The element that I found most humorous were the jokes that poked fun at the frequent shallowness of social media, particularly the scenes where Abbie’s captives threatened to release her private, “badly lit” pictures to the world if she didn’t play ball. This sees Abbie crumple to the ground in tears, fearing for her image and her brand, something that Kasia Szarek plays wonderfully. There is also a scene early in the film, where a group of dead-eyed interns fail to be roused by Abbie’s enthusiasm, which did tickle me.

The Influencer is a quirky look at the dark side of how some influencers can behave when large financial enticements become a factor in their lives. Sure, it takes things to extremes, but how often do we see someone raving about the latest video-game, headphones or fashion accessory, and then never mention it again? One of the most poignant quotes from the film for me was “It’s crazy the kind of influence you have when no-one knows who you are!” I’d guess that extends to the influencer in question not knowing themselves properly either, which just goes to show how complicated us humans can be.

Look out for The Influencer from 14 September on streaming platforms including iTunes, Amazon and Google Play. It will also be available on DVD and through various cable and satellite TV services.

I was given access to a review copy of this film.

Film Title: The Influencer

Genre: Comedy, Drama, Thriller

Production Company: Daisy Eagle Films, Wizard Cats

Distributor: Breaking Glass Pictures

Written, directed and produced by: Meghan Weinstein

Releases: 14 September 2021

Starring: Kasia Szarek, Shantelle Yasmine Abeydeera, Thea Cantos, Mark Valeriano, Victoria D. Wells, Ian Jones.

Music: Thomas Yount

Dark Fiction: Good Luck!

By Casey Douglass

Image from Oliver Hale @ Unsplash

Mr “Lucky”: 8:27pm:

The bass throbbed through the walls. He half wondered if it actually made the air in the toilet smell worse, somehow massaging the particles and releasing their full stinking potential. He wasn’t surprised by the smell, or that some other enterprising souls had got into the toilet before the main act started. The support band were decent, but worth missing the end for some bladder comfort.

His trainers squeaked on the sticky floor. The urinals were all occupied, the two cubicles were too. A guy was waiting outside the first stall, the other had no queue. He sidled over and waited near the latter.

A toilet flushed. Another followed. The door in-front of him swung open. He exchanged a brief nod with the man who emerged. As he entered the cubicle, the door of the other one swung open as well. He heard a voice chuckle and exclaim: ‘Good luck!’ to the waiting man.

He shut the door behind himself, and heard the companion door close on the other side. He then heard an ‘Ughhhh!’

He grinned at the stained wall as his mind conjured up several images of what the unfortunate occupant next door was confronted with. The ‘Uggghhh’ had sounded quite nuanced. It was half “I’ve caught my scrotum in my zip” and half “Help me I’m dying!”

By the time he had pissed, flushed and left the toilet, the other stall was still occupied. He heard no sound coming from inside. He chuckled as he exited the room, merging with the darkness of the dance floor. He was eager to tell his mate about the poor soul who had clearly had a messy surprise, and how, if things had gone the other way, it might well have been him!

Mr “Poor Sod”: 8:25pm:

The guy in the toilet stall ahead of him was taking an eternity. He looked down at the gap underneath the door, wondering if he could see in which direction the denizen’s feet were facing. If they were facing the toilet... Shit, now he had mental images of the guy inside wanking over the porcelain bowl. The door that led back to the club swung open and another guy walked in. His nose wrinkled as he entered flavour country. The watcher tried not to smirk, and then realised that he’d been waiting for so long that he couldn’t even smell the noxious aromas any more. Damn it!

The newcomer appraised the occupied urinals and then settled a few paces to his right, in front of the other cubicle. No chance of switching queues now! The other guy had been in his a good while too, but he just knew that it would be the one to open first. This evening just gets better and better.

The other cubicle door flew open. He sighed. He half hoped the other guy would beckon him to go in, seeing as he had been waiting already. The guy just waltzed in, the thought probably didn't even cross his mind. Selfish prick!

The door in-front of him opened moments later, a grinning man gliding out, his eyes a bit wild, his movements jerky and uncoordinated. Great, it wasn’t wanking but drugs... He hoped there wasn’t a fucking needle left in there!

‘Good luck!’ the departing stranger chuckled.

The guy watched him open the exit and flounce out into the booming music. Must be a full moon, he thought, as he bit back an acidic reply. He tentatively entered the cubicle, his eyes scanning the walls, floor and the toilet itself. Everything looked very clean, surprisingly so. In fact, it all looked pretty damn good! Maybe his night was going to improve from here on out. Stranger things have happened!

He closed the door, turned, unzipped his jeans and began to urinate.

His head throbbed.

He looked down to make sure he was hitting the target.

He yelled.

Mr “Pissed Off”: 7:59pm:

The journey to get to the club was a long, expensive one. Not only did he have to grease official palms in two liminal zones, but the etheric passport renewal and body rental had cost an absolutely colossal chunk of karma. As was always the case, the body barely responded to orders from a seventh dimensional brain. It was this that caused most of the trouble.

The bouncer at the door had thought that he was drunk already, so he’d had to shimmy a trans-dimensional shortcut open and flop into the bar area. As was just his luck, he solidified on a big skinhead’s foot. The hand that had latched onto his throat felt like it was trying to squeeze his innards out through his ears. A different bouncer saw the altercation and a brawl began, giving him the chance to slip away.

His eyes hadn't adjusted to the dark just yet. He accidentally brushed against a woman as he picked his way through the crowd. He earned himself a stinging slap on the cheek for that one.

A hot fiery feeling began to bloom in his chest, the urge to incinerate the whole fucking club with a bit of spiritual flame. But no... he was better than that. He had to be, especially if he wanted to be let back home again.

Someone jabbed him in the side, darting fingers reaching for his wallet. He sent a crackle of electricity into the thief. A splash of hot urine christened his shoes.

He began to pant. He just wanted to see the band. Was that too much to fucking ask?

The support band was up on the stage, wailing and hammering and doing a fine job of making everyone look forward to the main act.

Just wait, he told himself, the night will be worth it. Just, just, a little mischief first, something to ease the pressure.

He angled himself through the crowd and jostled his way to the restroom.The air was thick. That was the only way to describe it. He switched his nostrils to plane of existence six and breathed in a nice meadow dew fragrance. Who needs air freshener when you have etheric senses!

The restroom was empty, so he made his way to the first cubicle, locking the door behind him. He looked down at the white toilet and rubbed his chin. Maybe a little infinitude? Or a bog monster? Or an etheric leech? So many choices, so many options. He heard footsteps entering the room. He opted for the infinitude, it was quieter.

His fingers danced, his third eye opened and the slightest flash of purple light fuzzed the air above the toilet rim. He clicked his fingers and the haze blurred into a vertigo-inducing drop. Even though he was expecting it, he still had to throw out a hand to catch himself on the paper dispenser. Toilets, all the way down, is the best way to describe the view. Some relatively normal, others gross and overflowing, others not made for backsides that any human might imagine. Toilet after toilet falling away and sweeping down, making the viewer’s mind think that it was about to tumble out of the world. He felt his rental body’s gorge rising, but closed his eyes just in time.

He became more aware of the noises all around the cubicle now, activity in the one next door, urine hitting urinals on the far side of the room. He saw the cubicle shake as the the stall next door was opened. He turned and opened his own, his eyes falling on a twenty something guy who looked about ready to punch someone.

‘Good luck!’ he smiled, a small chuckle escaping at the same time. He left the restroom and headed back into the throng, hoping that the rest of the evening would flow that little bit more sweetly.

THE END

***

This story was inspired by something that genuinely happened to me at a music concert. I was Mr Lucky above. I walked into the toilets and heard "Good luck" said to the guy next to me. I then heard the "Uggh!" and had to bite my lip to stop myself laughing out loud. I wanted to create something a little bit strange and a little bit funny around what might have happened to the guy in the next stall. This story is the result. Thanks for reading :).

Dark Comic Review: Invasion from Planet Wrestletopia #6: Galact-o-Massacre!

Review by Casey Douglass

(Minor Spoilers Below, it is the end of the story after all!)

Well, this is it, Invasion from Planet Wrestletopia #6: Galact-o-Massacre! Over the course of the previous five issues, we’ve seen Rory Landell proclaim himself to be “Galactic Champion of the Universe”, managing to piss off a planet of alien wrestlers, and ultimately, getting his friends, and the Earth in general, into a bit of a sticky situation. Everything has been leading to the question of whether Rory will face Manifest Destiny in the title deciding Galact-o-Massacre. This issue answers that question, and also gives us an outcome.

This instalment opens with a shot of wrestling commentator hype, taken with a chaser of the kind of humour that we’ve come to expect from the Planet Wrestletopia series. “History’s greatest astronomers have contemplated the night sky while pondering the question that has perplexed mankind throughout the ages – Is there life out there... and can you wrestle it?” Who hasn’t pondered that very same question!? It’s also always nice to get a chuckle on the very first page of a comic.

Yes, Galact-o-Massacre is here. And yes, Rory does eventually make it, although the schemes afoot to keep him away almost succeed in their aim. His friends, both old and new, very much save the day, even the ones that sadly fell by the wayside, in one way or another. All you need to know is that Rory makes it to the ring and that the fight with Manifest Destiny happens. It is also suitably epic, twisting and full of surprises.

If you watch wrestling, either now or maybe during some time earlier in your life, you will probably remember how important bouts tended to play out. Why would the events of a fight flow from A to B when they can take in so many other letters of the alphabet. The kind of shenanigans you might see in an old WWF bout on videotape all seem to appear in this galactic battle. There are shifting allegiances, ring side interference, cheating, bad luck, good luck... it’s no wonder this issue is described as a 47 page megaextravaganza on its cover, most of it is devoted to the events of this one wrestling match!

I’m really pleased that the confrontation between the two galactic champions played out in such a fun way. I usually find anything that builds to something over a period of time can give a slightly disappointing finale. I didn’t experience that here, and it made me remember a few wrestling bouts I watched as a kid, which was a pleasant dose of nostalgia, and I don’t even class myself as still a fan. The humour persists throughout, and I particularly liked the turn-coat commentator who wants to embrace the planet’s new Wrestletopian overlords before the fight has even begun.

Does it end happily for Rory? I’m not telling, but I was certainly happy with the outcome. You’ll have to check out the comic to find out what happens.

I was given access to a review copy of this comic.

Comic Book Name: Invasion from Planet Wrestletopia #6: Galact-o-Massacre!

Authors: Ed Kuehnel & Matt Entin

Artist: Kendall Goode

Colouring: Jio Butler

Lettering: Sal Cipriano

Publisher: Starburns Industries Press

Released: August 12, 2020

Price: $1.99

Dark Comic Review: Invasion from Planet Wrestletopia #4: Road Games

Review by Casey Douglass

In my review of the previous issue of Invasion from Planet Wrestletopia, I said that we spend some time on the road with the hapless Rory Landell, and that it would be fun to find out if he makes it to his fight with Manifest Destiny. Invasion from Planet Wrestletopia #4: Road Games, is still very much in road-trip mode, as you might have guessed from its title. The fun thing about this is that it places Rory and his friends into a variety of strange locations and barmy situations. It also puts them in touch with danger too, as is so often the way of things.

In the opening pages, Rory, Macho and Don find themselves crawling out of their upturned car just outside a theme park. They clash with more wrestlers from Planet Wrestletopia, and one part of this fight actually occurs as everyone involved slides down a twisting water slide. I found this hilarious. It’s also presented in a really stylish way, in cells that mimic the twist and turns of the water slide. It is shortly after this slippery slide that some old acquaintances turn up to save the day, prompting Rory and company to join together with them and to hit the road once more.

While in their friends’ RV, Rory and pals chin-wag and play a wrestling game on a games console. This leads to the origin story of why tag team partnership Three-D only has two members, which is pretty funny. Let’s just say that the love of money plays a role, and not in the way that you might immediately think. The humour in this issue is on point, just as in previous ones. There is an “almost drowning” (pictured above) that I did have to chuckle at, alongside an instance of a man determined to finish a ginger-ale he paid for, even though he no longer wants to drink it where he bought it, which amused me quite a lot too.

Invasion from Planet Wrestletopia #4: Road Games is an issue in which we hear about more of the fallout from Rory’s “I’m the Galactic Champion” boast, the effect it had on other people in his wrestling circle, and the hardship it caused. A scene in a strip club also causes Rory’s ego to flare once again, causing a walk-out that, at first, seems to save him from the event that befalls his friends, but by the end of the issue, sees him in just as uncertain a situation. I’m being deliberately cryptic here as I don’t want to blab about everything in the comic. Where’s the fun in that? What will happen to them? Time will tell.

One extra thing that I will say, is that the Earth-defending title fight has been dubbed the “Galact-O-Massacre” which is a fine name for a potentially world-ending bout. At the end of this issue, there is a fun page from the doomsday essentials collection, a selection of gear for wrestling fans who might feel inclined to prepare for a worst case scenario. I particularly liked the chemical toilet, in the main, because of the copy spiel that: “Nothing strikes fear in the hearts of Dark Covenant like untreated human excreta.” I must admit, it’s a fear that I can fully get behind.

Visit the Comixology page for more info.

I was given access to a review copy of this comic.

Comic Book Name: Invasion from Planet Wrestletopia #4: Road Games

Authors: Ed Kuehnel & Matt Entin

Artist: Kendall Goode

Colouring: Jason Lewis

Lettering: Sal Cipriano

Publisher: Starburns Industries Press

Released: 30 Oct 2019

Price: $1.99

Dark Comic Review: Invasion from Planet Wrestletopia #3: Two Peas in a Pot

Review by Casey Douglass

The first two issues of Invasion from Planet Wrestletopia have seen wrestler Rory Landell declare himself to be the Galactic Champion of the Universe, triggering the invasion of Earth by wrestlers from Planet Wrestletopia. My reviews of those issues can be found here and here. Invasion from Planet Wrestletopia #3: Two Peas in a Pot continues the hunt for the still missing Rory, with deals and power struggles causing many a crunching head trauma.

Manifest Destiny, the reigning Galactic Champion of the Universe, wants a title unification bout with Rory. He and his cronies approach Rory’s old promoter, someone who is quickly persuaded that it would be in his best interest to make this contest happen. Meanwhile, the hapless Rory, who ended issue 2 unconscious on the floor of a bar, finds himself tied to a lamppost as some alien wrestlers debate what to do with him. His friends, pint-sized wrestler Macho, and his old manager Don, turn up to rescue him, and to also fill him in on what has been happening in his absence.

It is later in this issue that the counter-faction to Manifest Destiny is also revealed to us. They have a vested interest in Rory not actually being found. During a later exchange with Rory’s ex-promoter, we find that the number one contender is someone called “Sunny” Jim Cooley “The peach blossom playboy”. Rory’s ex-promoter appears, once again, to be “persuaded” that he might just have to renege on his deal with Manifest Destiny. Part of this persuasion comes courtesy of a dominatrix Wrestletopian and her slave, which was an unexpected turn I must admit.

What we have in issue three, is more funny wheeling and dealing. On the human side, we can see greed and nationalism rear their heads, the latter particularly during a meeting of world leaders who can’t decide which wrestlers will stand in for Rory if he doesn’t show. As you might imagine, in the world of this comic book, it isn’t long before a brawl breaks out. As far as Rory, we spend more time on the road with him, and we are also treated to a glimpse of his little friend Macho’s origin story, how he came to be a wrestler, and why he is so good at kicking ass. I also liked the reveal of the number one contender, I mean, “Sunny” Jim Cooley “The peach blossom playboy” is such a great name.

At the very end of this issue is a page from a wrestling album, done in the style of those old WWF/WCW ones that I used to have in my youth. On this page we are treated to info bites about six wrestlers, including Rory, and Kodiak Jack, the bear with the coolest name ever. It’s a really great little piece of nostalgia and the whole style and tone was nailed nicely. As in previous issues, the humour in general, is just right too, with my favourite quote this time being Manifest Destiny’s response to being asked to sit down: “Your Earthling chairs are not fit to carry the Galactic Champion!”.

As always, it will be fun to find out what happens in issue four, whether Rory will make it to the fight, and what other conniving schemes or factions might emerge from the shadows to help or to hinder him.

Visit the Comixology page for more info.

I was given access to a review copy of this comic.

Comic Book Name: Invasion from Planet Wrestletopia #3 : Two Peas in a Pot

Authors: Ed Kuehnel & Matt Entin

Artist: Dan Schkade

Colouring: Marissa Louise

Lettering: Dave Lanphear

Publisher: Starburns Industries Press

Released: 19 June 2019

Price: $1.99

Dark Comic Review: Invasion from Planet Wrestletopia #1 : A Date With Destiny

Review by Casey Douglass

When I was younger, I used to enjoy watching the wrestling on TV. Show me a growing boy who doesn’t like watching people throw each other around, flexing and laughing while they do it. At that time, it was the WWF, the likes of The Legion of Doom, Hulk Hogan and The Ultimate Warrior. I drifted away from it over time, and today, I find myself generally disinterested. When I was given the chance to check out some issues of the Invasion from Planet Wrestletopia comic, I wasn’t sure if it would be for me. I saw enough though though, to think that it would be a bit of a light-hearted giggle, so I was happy to wade in and see what happened.

Invasion from Planet Wrestletopia #1 : A Date With Destiny, lays the foundation for what is likely to come. I remember how so much of wrestling used to be about someone’s mouth getting them into trouble, and the beat down that would often follow. The main character in this comic is Rory Landell, and he makes probably the ultimate boast that a wrestler might make. Live on TV, he proclaims himself to be the Galactic Champion of the Universe! In a universe in which we are the only life-forms, he’d still probably annoy enough humans to regret his words, but in this comic, there is life elsewhere, and it gets mightily pissed off to hear his words.

We get to see some of what brings Rory to make his claim next, his disillusionment with how things are, and his inspiration to turn the brag dial to 11. Part of this plays out in a particularly novel scene in which he argues with a wrestling promoter while a bear is sparring in the ring behind them. The bear is called Kodiak Jack, which I think is probably one of the best names I’ve ever heard a bear have. Stand back Rupert and Paddington! Rory later finds himself in disgrace, boozing and getting into trouble. At around this time, his TV broadcasted boast reaches far enough out into the stars for other beings to hear. Uh-oh!

The artwork of the comic is bold, colourful and very pleasing on the eye. The panel layout has enough variety to keep things looking fresh on each page, and I particularly liked the art style for the “universe hearing his boast” page. It made me think of retro sci-fi comics. The wrestling action itself, feels like it has impact and heft; you can almost hear the “slam!” as the bodies hit the ring’s floor. As far as the humour, I did find myself smiling, and I can be a moody git so that would probably be a laugh for a “normal” person.

At 36 pages, Invasion from Planet Wrestletopia #1: A Date With Destiny felt like a nice, fun introduction to Rory Landell and the trouble that is probably (I hope) coming his way. I’m looking forward to reading the next issue to see how things progress, and I’m hoping things continue in the same amusing vein. Visit the Comixology page for more info.

I was given access to a review copy of this comic.

Comic Book Name: Invasion from Planet Wrestletopia #1 : A Date With Destiny

Authors: Ed Kuehnel & Matt Entin

Artist: Dan Schkade

Colouring: Marissa Louise

Lettering: Dave Lanphear

Publisher: Starburns Industries Press

Released: 01 May 2019

Price: $1.99

Flash Fiction: Gir-affin A Laugh!

Gir-affin A Laugh!

Written By Casey Douglass

Sandra hated the bathroom window. It wasn’t that she had anything against windows. Or glass for that matter. She hated this particular bathroom window because it was hers, and it was permanently stuck half open. It was a small window that, thankfully, was frosted to provide some privacy. It was even on the first floor, but she always felt paranoid that someone could peep through the gap.

Sandra was a sensible woman. She would have paid the landlord to get the window fixed, but with all of the COVID restrictions, and her job at the pub seemingly hanging by a thread, she couldn’t really justify it. So she had to lump it for now. She opted for the policy of trying not to think about it. That is, until the day she was laying back in a nice bubble bath, listening to the bubbles popping near her ears. She always enjoyed closing her eyes and listening to the sound of the world going by. That morning though, she heard something new. Something extra and something personal. An embarrassed cough, sounding from just above, where the breeze from the window wafted into the room.

She glanced up at the window and screamed. It was a good, full-bellied scream, the kind that really ought to crack a window pane. A long, yellow face was peering down at her, its mouth hanging open in amazement. It was as she squirmed up the bath to put a good second wind into another lung burst, that she realised its mouth wasn’t hanging open, it was screaming too. This brought her up short. It also gave her time to register two, no... three things. The first was that a giraffe had its head through the half-open window. The second was that this wasn’t just any giraffe, but a cartoon one. And finally, that said giraffe was screaming like a human! Sandra looked down and realised that the soap bubbles were doing little to hide her nakedness. A hot flush of anger gripped her throat, smothering the scream and kindling the kind of indignation that fuels many a confrontation. ‘I don’t know why the fuck you’re screaming! It’s me who’s being spied on!’

The cartoon giraffe quietened, the scream petering out like a kettle coming off the boil. ‘I’m sorry! I must have the wrong house!’

‘The wrong house?’

‘Yes! I’m looking for my girlfriend. I wanted to surprise her!’

Sandra’s mind spun like a drunk slipping in the snow. A talking giraffe. All that came to mind was her response, the rest of her thoughts turning to mental static. ‘Well I’m not her!’

‘Yes, well I can see that now! All these houses look the same to me. If only I hadn’t broken my spectacles!’

Sandra covered her eyes with her cupped hands. ‘If I take my hands away and you’re still there, I must be going mad. Must be...’

‘How exciting! Take your hands away and see! Do you want me to count you down?’

Sandra dropped her hands. ‘Oh my fucking god. Oh my fucking god. There’s a talking giraffe stuck in my window!’

‘No, not a giraffe, a Tony!’

‘And he’s called Tony. Just great. Just effing great!’

‘What’s your name please Miss?’

‘Oh it wants to know my name. Of course it does. Why wouldn’t it?’ Sandra squeaked, her voice approaching “mouse on helium” level.

‘Are you going to keep doing that? Freaking out? I mean, suit yourself, but it’s going to make this conversation even longer than it needs to be. I’d kind of like a bit of help.’

Sandra dropped deeper into the bath. ‘Oh I see, you want a bit of help?’ Sandra felt her cheeks flushing as her mind projected images of what the giraffe might have really been doing. ‘You aren’t just a giraffe, you’re a perverted giraffe who gets his jollies watching women in the bath!’

‘Eww huuu huuu!’ Tony stuck out his tongue. ‘Watch a human? I like my women with much more neck thank you very much. With longer legs and floppy ears too, for that matter!’

‘Isn’t your girlfriend human?’

‘No chance! She’s a giraffe! The most lovely giraffe in the world!’

‘But she lives in a house?’

‘And by lovely I mean in character as well, not just sexy patterning and a really long tongue!’

‘Erm, but she lives in a house?’

‘Naturally! I must say I find your indignation rich coming from a human. The last human I saw lived in a messy enclosure at the zoo!’

‘The zoo?!’

‘Yes the zoo! I took Jilly there for a date awhile ago. Jilly is my girlfriend’s name. You didn’t ask what her name was but I just wanted to throw that in there. We saw the humans fighting over their food, getting all pouty and bickering about who had the most. It was all very tiresome. To see you in a lovely house like this... what the heck is going on?’

‘That’s what I’d like to know too!’

‘It’s nice that we can agree on something... am I going to call you wet woman, or will you tell me your name?’

‘Sandra.’

‘Nice to meet you Sandra.’

‘Am I going mad Tony?’

‘What makes you say that?’

‘It’s not normal for a giraffe to talk, or to be poking its head through my window. You also don’t look like one of our giraffes, you look like something we might watch in an animated film. Sorry to say so.’

‘Well you do look like our humans... you smell a lot nicer though, to be fair. Maybe I’m the one going mad. Or maybe I got my head stuck in the wrong window and the blood supply is being cut off from my brain and I’m stroking out! I do have a headache coming on, but that might just be because of you!’

‘Charming! It’s my window you’re stuck in!’

‘Can’t you let me out?’

‘It’s stuck, it has been for months!’

‘I’m going to die here!’ Tony yelled.

‘Don’t be silly!’

‘All I wanted was to see Jilly, and I’ve got my head stuck in a crazy woman’s bathroom window! Help! Help!’

‘Hey! I’m not crazy!’ Sandra yelled.

‘Check mate!’ he smirked calmly.

‘What?’

‘You were worried you were going mad, and I just talked you around into seeing that you aren’t!’

‘Wouldn’t you try to convince me of that anyway? You might be sneaky!’

‘Oh come on! If I’m so sneaky, why would I cough to announce myself when I realised I was stuck! Look, can we hurry this up? It’s going to rain hedgehogs and turtles out here in awhile. I can feel it in the air!’

‘Hedgehogs and turtles?’

‘Yes! Haven’t you heard that term before?’

‘Ours is cats and dogs!’

‘You have cats and dogs as pets? Yuck!’

‘That’s funny coming from someone who thinks hedgehogs and turtles make good pets!’

‘Look, we’re wasting time. You seem nice, but I really don’t want to be here longer than I need to be. Could you please try and free my head somehow?’

‘Can’t you pull it out?’

‘I already tried when you weren’t aware I was here. Look!’

Tony closed his eyes and pulled his head backwards. Sandra tried not to laugh, she still had turtles on the brain. His scrunched up face and trembling neck really put her in mind of a turtle retracting its head into its shell. A small stream of dribble trickled from Tony’s lips. He really was trying.

‘Stop!’ she chuckled. ‘You'll do yourself an injury!’

‘What’s so funny?’

‘Nothing. Nothing at all! Keep your eyes closed so I can wrap a towel around myself, then I'll see what I can do.’

Sandra stood once she was happy he wasn’t peeking, curled a towel around her body and moved closer to him. ‘Okay, you can open your eyes.’

Tony looked at her. ‘So what’s the plan?’

‘I could try some shampoo?’

Tony grimaced. ‘Okay. I’d rather smell of flowers than stay stuck!’

Sandra squeezed a generous dollop of her favourite lavender shampoo into her hands. ‘You know, this is my favourite. You should feel honoured.’

‘Oh I do. And you know what? If this was a film or a story, you’d have to try two different ways to get me free, before the third finally worked? I really hate that!’

Sandra stood back and nodded. ‘I always hate when I see that bullshit too. I mean, how often in everyday life does that happen? Hardly ever!’ she laughed. She began to rub the shampoo around the back of his head. It soon grew frothy and began to slide down to his unseen body. ‘I think this will work first time! And you know, I don’t think this shampoo was even tested on animals either, which is ironic...’

‘Ha bloody ha!’

‘Come on Tony, where’s your sense of humour?’

‘I keep it at home and only bring it out on special occasions, like when I think someone is actually going to be funny!’

‘Touché. Can you wiggle a bit, to help it work down?’

‘I'll try.’

His head moved side to side, sending bubbles gliding down his neck. He also left a frothy snail trail of soap, glooping down her window. ‘I think that’s got it. Thank you. I’m sorry for intruding. You are okay, for a human.’

‘And you are okay for a cartoon giraffe!’

‘That’s very kind.’

Tony smiled, twisted his head to the side and slipped it out of sight with a small pop.

‘Did it hurt?’ Sandra called through the gap.

There was no reply. She strained to see through the opening. There was no sign of Tony. She gave her head a shake as she wiped around her window, chasing the bubbles around the glass. She might be going mad, she decided, but if this was as bad as it got, she could live with that. It was kind of nice to have someone to talk to. It was even nicer to help someone out who was in trouble. Damn it. She actually felt sorry that he’d gone.

The first drops of rain began to sound against the window, hedgehogs and turtles, as Tony might say. Which is a real shame, as sometime later, when the rain had finished, it had washed away the hoof prints directly beneath her stuck window, a window that Sandra had recently decided, was just fine the way it was.

THE END

Battle Quest Book Playthrough – Caves of Fury - Part 4

Battle Quest Book Playthrough – Caves of Fury - Part 4

By Casey Douglass

Welcome to Part 4, the final part, of my adventure through the Caves of Fury. If you’ve yet to read a single instalment of my barbarian’s tale, you can find part 1 at this link, with each part leading to the next, until finally bringing you back to this one again. It’s worth a read. It’s a tale of paranoia, inadequacy and bastard goblins, to name only a few elements. You might not like it if you’re an advocate for goblin rights, but if you are a normal, warped human being, you’ll agree with me that they are bastards.

Part 3 ended with my barbarian floating unconscious on a raft in an underground swamp, a drowning bastard goblin nearby, and little hope of getting much further. The barbarian had only two Strength left of the six he started with, and only one treasure to his name, secreted in his loin-cloth inside the ingenious hidden pocket. Between you and me, I think he is quite ready to get this adventure over with, his luck has been terrible from the start. Let’s see if his tale ends with triumph or a whimper...

The barbarian slowly regains consciousness and finds the strength to stand. Not feeling like being a floating-lure for any underwater leviathans, he steps back onto the stepping stones to continue his trek across the swamp. There’s no sign of the drowning bastard goblin, which makes him smile. ‘Good!’ he thinks as he pushes forward into the deepening mist, the thrumming of mosquitoes and green vapours his only company.

In the same manner as the previous tunnels, the stepping stones actually split into three paths. Who’da thunk that would happen? Remembering my resolve to not keep choosing the middle path, I went with the left one this time, hoping for something evil to be waiting at the other end. Why not? It isn’t far down this path that the barbarian spies an inscription on one of the stepping stones. This is surprising in two ways. Firstly, that it’s there at all, that someone took the trouble to mark a stone in the middle of a dangerous swamp. Secondly, judging by the inscription's length, I realize that I’ve been imagining these stepping stones as woefully tiny, which irks me a little. The message has lost some of its letters to erosion but it says:

‘O, foolish one! It was one of the oth r brac es that you should have c osen. The mag c power of fores ght would have been g ven you there.’

Oh for fuck’s sake! A chance at gaining a bit of magical power goes begging! If I can believe the message of course. Not much in this place has been truthful, so why start believing the rock graffiti now? It could be the equivalent of seeing a “Call Bianca for a good time!” scrawl in a public toilet cubicle, a mystery very possibly, or more likely some false advertising at the minimum. None the less, my barbarian ponders whether to retrace his steps, but on turning sees that the previous stepping stones have vanished. That figures. Pushing on sees the stepping stones ahead meet up with the other two paths again, but no option is given for backtracking down one of those other paths at this point.

It’s just after the paths have joined that he hears quiet footsteps coming up behind him. He wheels around and his mouth falls open. It’s the bastard goblin again! He swings his sword at the wretched thing’s head. It screams for him to stop, yelling that it hasn't done him any harm! The gall of the little prick makes his sword falter. Hasn’t done him any harm? He almost caused him to drown! The goblin snivels and says that the barbarian encountered his wicked twin, and that this one is the ‘good’ one. How convenient! It’s a little like when politicians say that “they are different” to the ones that have come before. Be wary in both cases.

You’ll be amazed to know that this goblin also has advice to give, don't they all? He urges me to step off the stones and to wade the rest of the way to shore, saying that it’s shallow enough here. Bollocks to that! There’s no way I’m going to believe this goblin, even if it isn’t the same one. For all I know, it might have found out that I let its brother drown and be out for revenge. I’d rather die due to my own choices than to being deceived again. I choose not to take his advice.

I push on, not hearing any sign of discontent or disapproval from the goblin behind me. All seems okay, but after a few stepping stones, the next one ahead bursts into flame! Then the next and the next! The book describes the flames as being two metres high! These are less like stepping stones and more like Bunsen burner nozzles poking out above the water. I try to step off to the side but some force is keeping me on the path. My only option is to run ahead through the flames.

I push through, the smell (and pain, let’s not forget the pain) of sizzling flesh gives me uncomfortable flashbacks to the wizard’s scorch and my hungry stomach. Thankfully, survival is the up-most thing in my mind, ahead of how tasty I smell. I make it across to the shore and collapse on to the ground, trying to get my breath and thinking about finding some mud to soothe my burns. I’ve lost another Strength with all of that messing around. Only one left and then I’m dead.

As I rest, I find the goblin standing beside me again, but I don’t have the energy to throttle it. The book describes his eyes as having a friendly aspect to them. I guess it’s still the ‘nice one’. He warns me to rest awhile, and that when I’m ready, there are four monsters that live here. Two carry swords set with diamond, the other two have swords set with ruby. Shouting Cragcliff’s name summons the first two, shouting it twice the other two. I’m not sure I want to be shouting Cragcliff’s name at all if I’m honest. I notice that saying his name three times isn’t mentioned, so he isn’t related to Beetlejuice in that regard.

I ponder a little, trying to outfox the conundrum of who to summon, as it appears I can’t just keep my mouth shut. I opt for the diamond bearing creatures as ruby could signify some kind of fire monster, and I’ve more than had my fill of being roasted. I yell Cragcliff’s name. The goblin trembles and runs away. He doesn’t want to see what happens next. I wait for five minutes, ten minutes, and nothing happens. Mosquitoes still buzz and whine but everything else is silent. Until that is, the water glugs, and it comes.

The water bubbles near the shore, a creature slowly rising from its gloopy surface. It has black tangles of weed and slime draped over its body, and is holding a large sword. The book points out that it is holding said sword with webbed fingers, and that this might be a handicap for it in combat. Funny that the book is being so helpful all of a sudden. I decide to fight it and am overjoyed to see that it is another creature that only needs two wounds to slay it.

It’s a fight that lasts for fourteen dice rolls. There is much clanking of swords and plenty of instances where my shield is raised as the swamp creature just stares at me in disgust. Of course. I should be used to that by now. On roll thirteen, I wound it with a massive sword slash, trimming the weed on its left side and carving a deep furrow into its hip. It mews and bubbles, which is a sound I didn’t really expect if I’m honest. But regardless, one wound down, one to go! I might be able to do this after all!

Roll fourteen sees it run me through with a glugging bellow of rage. Well... shit. My barbarian looks down at the sword pushed through his abdomen. He knows it’s protruding from his back too as his legs are numb, suggesting some kind of damage to his spine. He puts his hand into his loin-cloth to hold his treasure one more time. His one precious diamond that is, not what you were thinking. 

It had all been for nothing in the end. He laughs. The funniest thing is that he lost more Strength in his dealings with devious bastard goblins than he did in fighting the more obvious monsters. He’d have liked more time to reflect on that, on another day, in other circumstances, but now, on this day and in these circumstances, he spat out his last words before he died: “Bastard goblins!”

The swamp creature nodded as it let his body fall to the floor with a glug.

***

That’s the end of my playthrough of Caves of Fury. I really enjoyed writing about it and injecting my own take on things into the narrative. As I said at the beginning, I didn’t think it would go on for so many parts but it did, and it’s a shame it ended in the way that it did. That being said, I do enjoy bitter stories and unhappy endings so I can certainly find enjoyment in that. I hope you did too, if you followed along from the start.

Battle Quest Book Playthrough – Caves of Fury - Part 3

Battle Quest Book Playthrough – Caves of Fury - Part 3

By Casey Douglass

Welcome to Part 3 of my adventure through the Caves of Fury, a Battle Quest book where turning to certain pages means you can control the path of your treasure-seeking barbarian warrior. If you are joining the series late, part 1 can be found at this link, with other links finally bringing you back to this instalment, once you’ve brushed up on the tale so far. I’m good like that.

Part 2 ended in a prison of stalactites and ‘mites, with my barbarian beheading a monster and lifting his first piece of treasure: a lovely glittering diamond. It helped put his run-in with the crotchety old wizard who’d scorched his chest into perspective at least. Finally, he has something to show for his labours, beyond his wounds and feeling knackered. Let’s see how his tale continues...

In a turn up for the unlikely, our plucky barbarian finds himself at the edge of an underground swamp. It smells of rot and decay, and its main feature seems to be a massive lake, its surface algae-covered and perfectly calm. It seems to share a few elements with the watery cave in which a certain hobbit meets a certain Gollum, but there’s more greenery and less fishezes, at least, that are visible. The other difference are the stepping stones that stretch across the lake, appearing to go all the way to the other side.

Seeing no other route, I step onto the first stepping stone, waiting for something evil to grab my ankle and pull me down into the water. Not even a ripple! I step onto the next, and the next. It’s all going very well isn’t it? It’s as I get to the tenth stepping stone that it all starts to go wrong. A shriek sounds behind me on the shore that I’d just departed. The fright almost sends me into the water, which at this stage, I have no idea how deep it is or what’s in there.

Carefully, I turn and see an irate goblin waving his arms, shouting at me that if I step on the next stone, I'll drown! He says that every tenth stone is a trap and that I should jump straight over it to the next one! Now, I wasn’t born yesterday. I know how tricky these goblins can be. For a start, they hate anyone taller than them, which is pretty much everyone. Another factor is that they lie more often than they tell the truth, but when they do tell the truth, the disbelieving of it usually leads to disaster anyway. You can’t win is what I’m saying.

I try to reason things out. Firstly, every tenth stone being a trap seems a bit arbitrary to me. Why not the seventh or fourteenth? Then again, I can understand why letting someone walk on nine stones might build their confidence enough to not be so careful for the tenth. Also, why more than one trapped stone? It doesn’t sound like the person who made the trap is particularly confident that it will achieve its goal first time around. Another thing, if the goblin is trying to get me into a trap, what kind of trap would need me to actually jump on it to trigger, rather than merely stepping on it? His having to shout at me isn’t a very efficient way to catch out the unwary. Consider me very wary!

The book gives me the option of using a trance spell to wheedle the truth out of his nasty goblin mind, but I don’t have one, and even if I did, I’d imagine his brain is full of yucky goblin pornography and strange, secret perversions. Another thought occurs to me. Why should he shout at me at all, as I would have been bound to step on the trapped stone anyway? It’s a bad situation. I decide to trust him, but vow to myself to wring his scrawny neck if things go badly, and if I later get the chance. I make the leap over stepping stone ten.

I’ve almost landed on stone number eleven when it recedes out of sight under the murky water! I plunge into the lake, the weeds and other growth starting to pull me down as they attach to my body. The book tells me that I lose One Strength. Fucking great... another one down! As I splutter and struggle for air, I reflect on how, if I’d not jumped, I’d probably have been able to stop myself from falling in. Bastard goblin!

Through the glugging of the water in my ears, I hear laughter and see a small raft coming towards me, the grinning face of the goblin looming into view. He pokes me with his paddle and teases it just out of reach, enjoying the spectacle. An idea flashes across my mind, something that might get me out of this. I yell that I’m one of Cragcliff’s bodyguards and that I’ve lost my way. The look of fear that washes over his face is a beautiful thing to behold, well, if your concept of beauty looks like a constipated goblin-face. Then it happens, the thing that I should have predicted. He wants to know the password.

I’d sigh if I wasn’t struggling for air. The book gives me three options as usual, and as usual, I choose the middle one: GARLON. (Sadly, Googling the meaning of GARLON didn’t return any humorous or naughty double entendres as to its meaning, I guess I got lucky with the other password attempt in part two). Wouldn’t you know it, it was the wrong password, yet again! It’s a pity that there wasn’t an option to whisper the password, and when he leaned in closer to hear me, drag him in with me!

The goblin swears at me and calls me a dog as the water drags me below the surface one last time. The little idiot doesn’t realise what I’m doing though. I have a palm to the underside of his raft and slowly pull myself underwater to the opposite side, feeling the clutching strands of vegetation unwind from my legs as I go. I ever so carefully pull myself up and clear of the lake, trying not to tip the rickety thing too much and alert him to my presence. The little thug is too busy craning his neck over the other side, trying to see if I’ve drowned yet. I see red and give him a mighty shove, sending him not just overboard but well beyond the row of stepping stones too.

He squeals like a flying pig that isn’t quite sure why it’s flying. He then squeals like a pig that’s fallen in a lake and can’t swim. Can pigs swim? (Google: Yes they can!) Weariness claims me and I collapse to the deck of the raft. I smile at the sounds the goblin is making and wish him a slow death. The book tells me that the struggle to keep afloat and to not drown has cost me another Strength. I have only two left now. It’s not looking good. On the plus side, my scorched chest feels soothed by the water. I just hope it doesn’t pick up a nasty infection from the algae. It would be just my luck after all. My last thoughts are two in number: I’m not choosing the bloody middle option for passwords or paths any more, and secondly, I really wish I’d strangled that goblin, just like I’d wanted to. I pass out.

That’s where I’ll leave this session, my barbarian unconscious and floating on a small raft in the middle of an underground swamp with a drowning goblin nearby. If this was a TV series, the camera would slowly be pulling up to show more and more of what's around him, which knowing my adventurer’s luck, would be a host of strange creatures circling in for the kill. The music to accompany this would be slow and synth-based, maybe a single deep tone wavering with menace. I quite like the sound of that actually.

***

If you enjoyed reading about my adventure so far, join me again soon for Part Four of my delve into the Caves of Fury, coming out next weekend.

Battle Quest Book Playthrough – Caves of Fury - Part 2

Battle Quest Book Playthrough – Caves of Fury - Part 2

By Casey Douglass

Welcome to Part 2 of my adventure through the Caves of Fury, a Battle Quest book where your choices decide the fate of your own hulking barbarian adventurer. If you haven’t read the first part, it’s the best place to begin. If you don’t, you’ll still be able to understand what’s going on, but are you strong enough to begin something on Part 2 when the beginning post is just a click away? I know I wouldn’t be able to. Just saying.

At the end of Part 1, I saw my barbarian take a wound from a nasty ape-monster thing, then take flight, running haphazardly down the tunnel, squealing and generally not very happy. I hoped he’d knock himself out and have a bit of a nap, but I doubt anything so pleasant will have happened to him. With how his luck was going, he’d wake up tied to a roasting spit being turned by cannibal goblins. Anyway, let’s open the book and see...

He’s still running down the tunnel. That’s quite a few days if I take a “real-time” view and imagine he’s been running since I closed the book. I guess fear gives you quite the energy boost. The tunnel he is careening down eventually splits into three. I opt to take the middle one again, what with my always liking the middle path; walking between extremes. It’s not long after taking this route, that I come to a cave that branches off from one side of the tunnel. An elderly robed man is sitting with his back to me. A table is in front of him, containing all kinds of objects, from a skull and a large leather-bound book, to strange glassware bubbling with garishly coloured potions.

Without turning, he speaks. He thinks I’m the new novice Cragcliff has sent him, but just to be sure, he wants the password. Shit. Why are these types so paranoid? I don’t know the damned password, and I don’t have the password scroll to look it up. Well, I mean I do, I can see it in the pile of stuff that comes with Caves of Fury, but I’m too honest to cheat. Where’s the fun in that? The book gives me three options for the password, and I choose the middle one: TAGEL. If it works for tunnels, it can work for passwords. Maybe. (Out of curiosity, I just Googled TAGEL, the first result was for a Cornish dictionary that gave the word’s meaning as “fleshy appendage”. This amuses me more than it should. I mean, fleshy appendages, tunnels... it’s all very rude if you think about it).

‘TAGEL’ I exclaim, trying to sound confident. The man turns and looks at me for the first time. He sees that I don’t really look like a novice and demands to know who I am. I try to tell him that I mean no harm, that the sword on my back is purely decorative and these muscles are just water weight, but he blasts me with a spell. An arc of violet light hits me in the centre of my chest. I scuttle away, embarrassed once again, and a little unnerved by how hungry the smell of my own roasted flesh is making me. I’ve lost another Strength from my counter! Only four left now. One third of my health gone and nothing to show for it! Well, a wounded arm and a scorched chest that will be the subject of all manner of jokes at the next Adventurer get-together.

I soon find myself in a cavern, my rumbling stomach finally getting the message from my brain, that it’s entirely inappropriate to lust after your own cooked flesh. This place is full of stalagmites and stalactites, and I occupy myself by trying to remember which is which, “uppy from floory” or “downy from roofy”. Whichever is which, it feels a bit like being in a stone cage. This feeling is enhanced by the snarling monster looking back at me from between the ‘tites and ‘mites to one side. It’s even holding them in massive fists, like someone who was on probation who happened to get caught one too many times thieving and is now looking at hard jail time. I get the fleeting impression that we are two food-scraps stuck between a dragon’s teeth. I can fit through the “bars” though, this monster can’t. It’s another muscular ape creature thing. I didn’t do well against the last one so I take the option to skip this fella.

As I move through the cavern, another creature hisses at me. Is this some kind of prison for the monsters that misbehave? It’s starting to feel that way. I get the impression that the book really wants me to have a go at beating one of them. This one is half-gorilla, half-humanoid. Mmm. Sharp claws and drool too. Interesting. The glimmering of a diamond catches my eye. Fuck it, let’s do it! I turn to the correct page and almost squeal with delight. This monster is slain in two wounds!

The joy doesn’t last long, as I really don’t fancy my luck. Losing to a creature that needs eight wounds to die has a bit of honour to it, but two? If I don’t manage that, what sort of barbarian am I? What sort of dice roller? I push through the feelings of inadequacy like an arachnophobe rushing through a cob-web strewn attic. I’ve not lost yet after all. I roll the dice and see the all too familiar result of my shield being raised at the creature’s face. Oh hell, not again! (See part one for how excruciating this is for me). Roll two has the same result. Can I just throw away my shield book? Please?

Roll three sees an epic sword swing from my good self, one that cuts a nasty gash in the creature’s side. Oooh yeah! Roll four... well let’s just say a shield is involved again. Roll five... sigh. On roll six I lop off its head! I take a few moments to fully process that I’ve actually slain a monster. Get in! I watch its body gurgle on the cavern floor, then quickly pick up the diamond before the thing’s blood reaches it. My first treasure! I proudly put it in my loin-cloth, as it has a secret pocket that not only hides my ‘valuables’, but also makes me look like I have more than I really have... ahem. I set my Treasure Counter to one! A glorious moment!

I decide to close the book at this point, to make that moment of triumph last as long as it possibly can. All too soon I’ll be back in the Caves of Fury, and it would be nice to once, just once, end a session with a win. There’s plenty of time for the wheels to all fall off later. I just hope that my barbarian doesn’t pick at his chest. He’s very hungry and he's been doing all sorts of running, fighting and over-thinking after all.

***

If you enjoyed reading about my adventure so far, join me again soon for Part Three of my delve into the Caves of Fury, coming out next weekend.