Gobbling Goblins
A Digby and Nurn Tale
Written by Casey Douglass
This is another story
featuring unlucky adventurers Digby and Nurn. The first tale, The
Sword of Infinite Possibilities, can be found here. Anyone that has
already read the first one will probably notice that Nurn speaks in a
normal way in this one, I decided to drop the simpleton aspect of his
character. Oh, and it's quite adult in nature.
‘You’re going into
goblin country then lads?’ the moon-faced shop proprietor beamed.
‘Unfortunately,’
Digby sighed. He didn’t like sighing. It often meant that the next
bigger in breath carried with it a choking dose of whatever odour
surrounded him, which at this time was stale sweat, polished wood and
tobacco.
There was a clatter of
clanking armour and the rattle of toppling swords from somewhere near
the window.
‘Hey!’ the moon
bellowed. ‘Watch what you’re doing over there you clumsy sod!’
Digby’s chin lifted
as he looked up at the ceiling. He hadn’t intended to, but when you
roll your eyes as forcefully as that, you have to expect some
momentum. ‘Nurn you’re drunk! I told you to wait outside!’
A helmet rolled and
teetered along the floor before resting against the side of Digby’s
boot. A small hiccup sounded from behind the racks. ‘Sozzy!’
Digby looked back at
the merchant. ‘I want a box.’
The moon ratcheted up
to full beam. ‘A box! Yes sir! Right away!’
Nurn popped up beside
Digby, his legs and body seeming to dangle from his head. ‘Abotts?’
‘A box.’
‘Oh a boksh! Wash
that for Digs?’
‘To preserve our
innocence.’
‘Howz a woonen box
gonna do that Digshee?’
‘It’s metal.’
‘An wasss it
protectoring us from?’
‘Goblins.’
‘Goshlins?’
‘Yes Nurn, remember?
That’s the whole reason you got drunk in the first place!’
Nurn swayed and rubbed
his forehead. He muttered and shook his head. ‘Goshlins. Goglins.
Oh, Digs, shit! Goblins!’
Digby caught Nurn’s
arm as Nurn tried to retrieve the flask from his pocket. ‘Don’t
you dare! We’ve got an early start!’
‘But they’ll
de-de-deffffial us!’
‘Hence the box Nurn!’
Nurn twisted out of
Digby’s grasp and made a run for it. It wasn’t a straight dash.
Digby watched as Nurn seemed to hit almost every display and cabinet
along the way. The valiant effort ending as Nurn’s head thunked
into the door frame, followed by the deeper, skittles-falling-down
noise of his body crumpling beneath him.
‘Peace and quiet at
last,’ Digby muttered.
Nurn woke moments after
his head bounced off something hard, something that rang out with a clang. He
also realised that he was moving.‘Arrgh bloody hell! Stop! Stop!’
Whatever it was
stopped. He squinted against the glaring light of the sun as a
silhouette loomed over him.
‘You’re finally
awake then,’ Digby said.
Nurn rubbed his head.
‘Where are we? What’s this?’
‘Don’t freak out
Nurn, we can’t afford it here.’
‘Here?’
‘Goblin territory.’
Nurn sat up and
swivelled around, his eyes wider than a cow’s backside. ‘Goblin
territory?’
Digby’s hand clamped
over Nurn’s mouth.‘Yes Nurn, and I’ve been dragging your
hungover arse for three hours. You know very well that we need to
cross this area to get to the big city where we can offload this
fucking sword and actually make some decent money. This box nearly
cleaned us out.’
Nurn blew through
Digby’s fingers and nodded. The hand floated away. ‘Okay Digs,
okay.’ He put his hands on the side of the box and lifted himself
out, swaying a little as his legs woke up. ‘Not really a box though
is it? Looks more like a coffin.’
‘I know. We need to
bundle into it at the first sign of trouble.’
‘And that’ll keep
‘em out?’
‘The shop-keep said
he was optimistic about our chances,’ Nurn replied, doing a
passable impression of the man.
Nurn kicked the side of
the box. It gave a dull boom. He appraised their surroundings, seeing
little but a dirt track and towering trees that butted up against it
on either side. Something chittered deep in the foliage. He shivered.
Saying nothing more, he moved to the strapping that stretched ahead
of the heavy box and began to drag it through the dirt. The sooner
they were out of goblin territory, the sooner he could relax.
As is often its way,
the sun, once it reached its highest point, seemed to fall out of the
sky with alarming swiftness, the shadows cast by the dense forest
almost visibly sweeping the brown leaf-strewn ground ahead of the two
weary men.
Digby had been walking
behind Nurn ever since his companion had taken it upon himself to
drag the box. He watched the nervous glances that Nurn shot into the
denser, darker areas of green, scouting for goblins ready to pounce
on his head. ‘I think we need to stop now and make camp, we need to
prepare.’
Nurn halted, letting
the straps slide from his hands. ‘If you say so.’
‘You don’t sound
optimistic.’
‘I’m not.’
‘Me either.’
Nurn turned, his mouth
hanging open. ‘What?!’
‘I’m just being
honest. We might be okay, we might not, who can say?’
Digby watched Nurn
stomp to the side of the track, wrap his arms around a tree and
quietly begin to weep into the rough bark. He knew that he probably
shouldn’t have been so blunt, he was just tired of babying Nurn.
Why should he be the only one to have to shoulder all of the
responsibility while Nurn got drunk and generally got in the way. He
moved towards his friend. ‘Look Nurn, I’m sor-.’
The goblin hit the
ground between them with a clumsy thud, its feet whipping out from
under it on the leafy surface. Digby lunged forward in an attempt to
grab hold of its neck. It rolled and babbled, its small frame and
oily green skin soon covered with leaves and pine needles. It
shimmied to one side as Digby’s fingers grasped thin air. It paused
for a moment, its tiny mouth opening under its hooked nose, hobnail
teeth glinting. It reached down and began to play with its green
penis, shrieking in glee.
It exploded. Not in that
way, but by way of a heavy log being smashed into its body. One
minute there was a masturbating goblin, the next, a different kind of
wood occupying the space where its body used to be, a green smear
leaking out around the edges.
‘I
fucking hate goblins!’ Nurn screamed. ‘Dirty little fuckers!’
Digby
was still looking down at the log. ‘I didn't know you had that in
you!’
‘Yeah,
well...’ Nurn muttered, his usually cherubic expression showing
hints of red and dark anger.
A
great chittering began in the trees, like a flock of birds all
practising their ventriloquy acts at once.
‘The
box! Get into it now!’ Digby yelled.
They
both ran to the metal shape, heaved the lid and consecutively
entered. The lid slammed shut above them. Digby, who happened to be
laying on his back, reached around Nurn and fastened the locks. Nurn,
who was laying face down on top of Digby, did his best to shift
around so that Digby could finish his task.
‘Okay.
Okay. They're all secure,’ Digby said near Nurn’s ear.
‘Now
what?’
‘We
wait it out.’
Nurn
blew threw his clenched teeth. ‘Fucking goblins!’
The
goblin assault on the metal box went on for hours. Just as it sounded
like it might be abating, the clangs and bangs started up again,
almost deafening the two travellers.
‘Digs,
is this thing airtight?’
‘No,
there are some tiny holes in different places along its edges.’
‘Oh.
That’s good then.’
‘We’d
be dead by now if it wasn’t.’
‘Mmm.’
A
thud inches from Nurn’s head made him flinch.
‘How
long do you reckon we’ll be in here?’
‘Depends.’
‘On...?’
‘Well,
some more travellers might come and chase them off. It might rain,
they don’t like water. Anything could happen really.’
A
shrieking cackle sounded off to the right somewhere.
‘If
anything could happen, what’s the worst that could happen?’ Nurn
asked.
‘Why
do you want to know?’
‘Balance
I guess.’
‘Well...anything
that results in the box being opened would go badly for us. Or, they
might muster enough brain power to push us off a cliff or something,
maybe into water... or...’
‘I
think I’m balanced now.’
‘Or
they might get help. Sorry, I know you said you’d had enough but
shit, I hadn’t thought of that.’
‘Help?’
‘Yes.
Maybe a troll or something. They’d have to lure it here, keeping
well out of its way, and they would have to resign themselves to not
having complete bodies to violate after it had cracked the box and
torn us apart.’
‘Shh
Digs! It’s all gone quiet!’
‘I
know.’
‘Digs,
what’s that sound?’
‘That
bellowing roar? Like someone gargling a mouthful of boulders?’
‘That’s
the one.’
‘A
troll is coming.’
‘That’s
why you floated it as an option?’
‘Mmm
hmm. I heard it in the distance awhile ago.’
They
both listened as heavy footsteps vibrated through the ground, making
the walls of the box hum and creak. Then they stopped, all falling
still once more.
‘What’s
it doing?’
‘Nothing
good for us.’
With
a tremendous bang the box shot sideways, its two occupants grasping
each other tightly as it jolted and flipped along the ground. Neither
screamed, shouted or cried, it was enough of an effort to not throw
up. The direction changed with a twisting sense of vertigo as the box
bounced off something, before it came to rest with both passengers
lying on their sides. A roar sounded again, supported by tinny goblin
voices cheering from on high.
‘Oh
blow this!’ Digby shouted. ‘I’m not going through another round
of that!’ He began to squirm.
‘What
are you doing?’ Nurn cried.
‘I’ve
an idea.’
Digby
groped behind himself and, with a small ‘Aha!’ slammed his hand
against the box. A flap in the wall behind him swung slightly on hits
hinge. ‘Stay here!’ With that, he rolled backwards and
disappeared from Nurn’s sight.
‘Digby!’
Nurn
heard the troll roar, then, Digby’s yell. The footsteps thundered
in an uneven rhythm this time, a new sound now emerging. It sounded
like mewling. Nurn screamed as the flap half-lifted, Digby’s voice
hissed: ‘Out! We’re running, right now!’
Nurn
rolled out and ran. He ran like he’d never run before, his friend
and companion panting and dashing next to him. He risked a glance
back and saw the massive troll swarming with green bodies. He made a
mental note and then put all his effort into keeping up with Digby,
who was beginning to stretch his lead. The sun dropped further, the
twilight of dusk urging them on, and they obliged.
After
some time, Digby slowed his pace, checking around and behind and
noting that they were not being pursued.
‘Alright
Nurn, we can probably just walk quickly now.’
Nurn
blew out a lungful of air, partly to relax, partly in anticipation of
sucking in more sweet oxygen. His heart hammered like a drunken
blacksmith at the anvil.
‘What
the hell happened back there Digs?’
‘A
calculated risk.’
‘What
did you do?’
‘I
remembered that trolls wear trousers.’
‘And...?’
‘I
rolled out of the box and managed to wend my way around the dumb
beast. When I got behind him, I yanked his trousers down.’
‘I’m
still not getting it.’
‘I
was betting that the randy goblins would soon overcome their fear if
they were turned on enough, if they were given a big enough target.
Between the big arse and hanging low fruit between his legs, they
frenzied and launched at him. That’s when I snuck around, got you
out, and you know the rest.’
‘Wow!
Just wow!’
‘I
know. Crazy stuff.’
‘I
wonder who’ll win?’
‘Well,
he was popping them like zits, but I saw a fair few latching onto
his, err, delicate parts. I’m not going back to find out!’
‘I
don’t blame you! But what are we going to do now?’
‘We
keep moving and hope we don’t meet any more. There’s nothing else
for it, we have no other options.’
‘Do
you think we’ll make it to the city?’
Digby
stole a look at Nurn. ‘I’m sure we’ll be fine.’ He saw Nurn
smile.
‘That’s
good Digs, that’s really good.’
They
shuffled on as the night approached, the moon beginning to rise in
the distance, its pale cratered face looking down on a forest in
which the shift was changing, the daytime creatures winding down, the
night-time denizens licking their razor teeth. Oh, and a troll with a
very sore backside.
