Apocalypse Talk Radio
Written By Casey Douglass
‘Thanks for tuning
in! We’re getting reports of a massive nuclear detonation somewhere
near Woking. There’s no official word yet, but as always, we want
to hear from you if this has affected you in any way. Even if just
hearing about it has affected you, get in touch! You can call or
text, email or tweet us, but let us know what is happening in your
part of the world. We could just wait for official clarification, but
we’ll do what we always do when we don’t know and just repeat
what we do know over and over. Oh we have a text.
Julie writes that she
saw the flash from the supermarket car park as she was putting the
shopping in her car boot. She adds that her eyesight is dimming, but
she’ll be sure to keep us up to date as her health deteriorates.
Thanks Julie, stay safe!
Clive has tweeted to
say there was no flash where he was on the outskirts of Paris. Thanks
Clive!
We have Michael on the
phone. Michael, where are you?’
‘Hi. First time
caller! Well I’m not too sure. I got thrown down the street by a
massive blast of air, and I’ve managed to hide behind a wall.
Everything’s really bright. My skin feels like it’s burning.’
‘What are other
people doing around you?’
‘A lot of them are on
their backs in the street.’
‘Are they dead?’
‘I reckon so.’
‘How many bodies can
you see?’
‘I’d say about
twenty.’
‘What will you do
now?’
‘I’m going to stay
behind this wall for a bit mate. Feeling tired.’
‘Stay safe!’
‘Will do!’
‘There we have it
folks, the tales of regular people during what might just be the end
of times. We’ll be sure to keep you up to speed with your fellow
citizens’ predicaments, no matter how samey it all gets. We might
be interrupted by a government announcement soon, but rest assured
we’ll soon get back to our usual dull repetitive style, lulling you
into a docile sense of acceptance well before the nuclear fallout
reaches your location. And now a word from our sponsor...’
THE END
The inspiration for
this piece came from the recent coverage of the recent issues with
electronic card payments. One radio station insisted on interviewing
person after person who had been affected, the only thing changing
being the shop they had been to and the length of the line at the
cash machines outside. It was mind numbing and so so boring. We
understand! Card payments not working means we have to use these
floppy bits of plastic currency, or those small round hard things
that hurt your teeth if you chew them. Hearing the trauma of having a
card payment declined over and over is just the very definition of a
#firstworldproblem.
