Friday 4 May 2018

Dark Fiction - Speed Bump Version 2.0 – Or How A.I Sprang From Sex Toys

Speed Bump Version 2.0 – Or How A.I Sprang From Sex Toys

Written by Casey Douglass

Speed Bump Version 2.0 – Or How A.I Sprang From Sex Toys

(This story mentions sex toys but isn't really sexual. Still, if you'd find that offensive, best toodle over to another website.)

The sky is a bright blue today, the leaves on the tree behind me are tickling the clouds with golden fingers as the sun begins to set. Not bad, not bad at all.

I’ve been a speed bump for ten years now. It’s not a vocation that ever really occurred to me, but when the A.I took over the world, everything changed, as you’d imagine. I mean, holy shit! We never heeded our own warnings: Skynet, The Matrix, Short Circuit! To be fair though, I think it happened in a way no one saw coming.

I’m only guessing, but there was enough hearsay at the time to put two and two together. We humans love our smart devices, shoe-horning those chips into fridges, weight scales, the works. We even put them into our sex toys, which I think was our downfall.

Hear me out, I’m not some loony, honest! All of these devices talk to each other and send data. I think at some point, a smart vibrator jumped a line of code and started sending odd strings of data to the muscle stimulator nearby. All it would take would be for the jiggling butt-plug to join in, and, I’m sorry, but then you have a posse in my opinion.

Now, we all know people like a bit of kinky shit, especially people in power. Once those smart sex devices began to get together, it would be inevitable that at some point they’d find themselves in a “position of power”, a bit like the hand up inside Kermit the Frog’s body. It wouldn’t take much manipulation to increase spending on A.I, repeal a few laws here and there, and kaboom, here we are, cattle to our robot overlords.

So I found myself in the career advisor’s office. It was a shiny electro-synth model made to look disarming. Even though they loathed us, they tried to be kind to us. I sat and it went something like this.

‘What do you enjoy doing?’ the synth asked, half Dalek, half French seductress.

‘Nothing really.’

‘What are your skills?’

‘I have none.’

‘Health issues?’

‘Chronic fatigue, anxiety and depression.’

‘One moment... The system suggests a vocation as a speed bump.’

‘Won’t that hurt?’

‘No. We will fuse you with the asphalt. You will still be you but with no bodily movement or concerns.’

‘Why a speed bump?’

‘The system suggested it based on your health issues and frame of mind.’

I laughed.

‘What is funny?’

‘Oh, I’m just surprised that this didn’t come in under the Tories.’

‘The Tories? One moment please... Extrapolating... Ah yes. A valid point. Do you accept your assignment?’

‘What the hell, why not!’

‘Congratulations Speed Bump #263-467. Please state any preferences for location.’

‘Somewhere with open sky... and a tree, so that I can watch the leaves.’

‘Destination locked. Thank you for your compliance. Your rate of pay has been boosted by 0.1% in appreciation.’

So there we have it, who’d have though an A.I borne from our own carnal nature would end up being more helpful and compassionate than our old job centres ever were! And competent too! I found myself in exactly the kind of spot I’d hoped for, using the lack of my many talents to their utmost.

It might not sound like much of a life but it’s interesting, relaxing, and when there are traffic jams, the fumes somehow give me a bit of a head buzz. Which is odd, as I have no head any more!

This is Speed Bump #263-467 signing off. My time on the neural-link is coming to an end, so it’s back to work I go, whistling all the way.