What-If Avenue – OCD Awareness Week 2017
By Casey Douglass
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| Image used freely from Gratisography |
I think I read
somewhere that our mind projects meaning out into the world and then
responds to the echoes that bounce back. I forget where I read it but
I think it’s an elegant way of describing what goes on in our
noggins. Of course, our mind can also project meanings on to our
internal experiences too, and that isn’t always helpful,
particularly if you have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
Briefly, OCD is an
anxiety disorder in which sufferers experience intrusive thoughts or
fears, the obsession part, and feel compelled to carry out
compulsions, to try to get rid of the anxiety. The classic example is
someone who feels anxious about possible germs or contamination on
their hands and feels compelled to wash them over and over. OCD can
manifest in almost limitless ways, but that seems to be the most
accessible example I can give.
When someone is hit
with an obsession, the body reacts in a fight-or-flight way, pumping
adrenaline and other stuff around and gearing the person up to enter
into combat, or to run like the wind. Sadly, when the obsession is caused
by a nasty email, a mundane thing that you’ve only now noticed, or
a memory, this kind of response isn’t really ideal. If you are in a
truly fight-or-flight situation, your actions would burn through the
adrenaline automatically. As far as it happening in a modern setting,
you will more than like just have to sit and bear it.
Sadly, during the
aftershocks of an anxiety spike, you are most vulnerable to other
ones hitting or new stuff arising. I lose count of the number of
times I’ve been obsessing about something, gave into the
compulsion, felt minutely better for thirty seconds, and then got hit
by a worse obsession. This left me regretting giving into the first
compulsion and at times, regretting even being born. It’s no
fucking way to live I can tell you.
The problem lies in the
excellent What-If generator that we call our mind. It’s fantastic
for writing horror stories I’ll admit, but when you are afraid of
something, and your mind can find fresh new ways to worry about it
down What-If Avenue, you are in for a rough time. If you’ve seen
Final Destination, the way a possible event has a knock on effect, then
another, then another, you’ll probably understand something of what
I mean.
Just writing this
article as an example: What if nobody reads it? What if I sound
silly, What if I’m wasting my time. Now, those What-Ifs are all
floating around the central idea of doing this post. Imagine if
instead it was something you were really really afraid of. What if I
didn’t lock the door and burglars come in. So you go and check the
door. You get back into bed. What if the window next to it is
unlocked. You go and check, come back. What if I locked it too
tightly and the key didn’t do anything, just went around and
around. You go and check. What if someone is out there watching me do
this checking and is waiting for the light to go out. Etc etc. Now,
the What-If about the key really locking the door might sound a
stretch too far for a non-OCDer, but anyone who falls down the
What-If hole (What-If Avenue is a sod for potholes) will probably
recognise that stage. You know it’s probably bollocks, but you have
to check “Just. In. Case.” The words that can often rule an OCD
sufferer more malevolently than the worst of dictators.
Stressed bodies and
stressed minds set up vicious circles of influence over each other,
keeping sufferers in that kind of fertile What-If state. There are
ways to get through it, and the crux of nearly every one is to do
nothing, but do it in the right way. When that first What-If strikes,
at least give yourself thinking time before you act and trigger a
gush of yet more anxiety. If you are in bed and you worry about a
locked door, ask yourself if you can take the chance, just for
tonight, of not checking it. You may be in for similar doses of
anxiety whatever you do, but by not acting and accepting how you feel
rather than fighting it, one dose will mean something, the other
would just take you deeper and leave you more prone to the same
thought in the future. (I would add that you have to decide the correct risks to take and when; you can never get rid of all risk. If you decide not to check that your door is locked and something bad does happen, that was your choice, so be sensible... and don't blame me. This is why it is best to get treatment from a qualified person).
I think that’s enough
for now, as this is getting mighty lengthy. If you have OCD or
suspect you do, you should seek help from your doctor or some other
qualified person. There are treatments out there, usually Cognitive
Behaviour Therapy and Exposure and Response Prevention based, and
these are effective in helping you to lead a better life. You may
never fully get over your OCD tendencies, but you can reduce them
enough to not be so bothered by them.
I write this post after a hellish week
where I felt I was at real risk of relapsing badly. I am still
struggling with an overly sensitive body that is jumping at the
slightest sound, but I am still here writing this post and moving
forward. I know it will pass, and if it doesn’t, I will just do the best
I can, as always.
Thanks for reading.
