The Sword of Infinite Possibilities
By Casey Douglass
as part of #fridayflash
Digby and Nurn, his
faithful dotard companion, traipsed the winding mountain path, both
taking quick glances behind them every few paces.
‘Do you think they’ve
given up?’ Nurn asked the rocky wall to the side.
‘What?’
Nurn turned his face
the other way. ‘I said have they given up Digs?’
Digby grimaced. He
hated that name. ‘I haven’t seen any sign of them for the last
two miles.’
‘Tha’s good!’
‘Yes it is.’
‘We almost there?’
‘Yes we are.’
‘Will be more up
there with it?’
‘More what?’
‘Trolls.’
Digby sniffed.
‘Shouldn’t think so.’
‘You said that ’bout
the goblins.’
‘I know.’
‘Good thing you had
them dirty magazines. Good bit a forward plannin’.’
‘I try my best,’
Digby replied and looked off to his left at the precipice beside him.
It had taken him ages to find a tavern that sold those magazines. He
sighed into the wind. Still, he pondered, it was better to lose them
to the perverted goblins than wake up hung upside down with your
genitals exposed. He had heard tales of travellers coming to a sticky
end if they happened to cross paths with goblins. No, losing the
magazines was a small price to pay.
‘...wonder how they
did it,’ Nurn continued.
‘Did what?’
‘’scaped from that
randy witch.’
‘Who?’
‘Buster an’
Winkle!’
‘What have they got
to do with anything?’
‘Was just thinking
how our ‘scape might compare with theirs. Winkle still limps you
know?’
‘I’ve seen,’
Digby nodded sagely as he pondered. They had crossed paths with
Brenda the witch, or as others called her, Bendy Brenda. You just
couldn’t seem to pass anywhere near the Forest of Gloom without her
jumping out at you, all three hundred pounds of naked flesh and
sagging breasts.
‘s’ard to get over
something like that,’ Nurn said with a sigh.
Digby scrunched up his
forehead. ‘Did Winkle ever find anyone to remove the wand?’
‘Nah. Everyone’s
too afraid ta touch it.’
‘How does he, you
know, toilet?’
‘Carefully.’
‘Thank you Nurn.’
‘For what?’
‘Twatting her over
the head when she tried that shit with us.’
‘Any time my pal.’
Nurn's mouth peeled open in a massive grin at Digby.
Digby smiled and
slapped him on the shoulder. ‘Looks like this is it!’
They had reached the
peak, although it could more accurately be called a crater. A large
hollowed basin spread before them, a lone dais standing in the very
centre, the last rays of the setting sun twinkling from a large
sword.
‘Tha’s it!’ Nurn
shouted excitedly as he skipped and jumped into a loping run, his
pots and pans clattering on his back.
‘Must be,’ Digby
said to himself as he ambled along behind.
‘’sa beauty!’
Nurn's voice floated to Digby.
‘I’m sure it is.’
‘Looks heavy!’
‘They always are.’
Digby arrived next to
Nurn and deposited his backpack on the hard ground. Wasting no time,
he grabbed hold of the hilt and yanked, lifting the mighty blade from
its stone sheath. ‘Strange, there was no crackle of power.’
‘Huh?’
‘These old magic
swords usually spark or glow or something. This one’s dead.’
‘Oh no!’
Digby swung it around.
It whistled and hummed through the air in just the way a normal blade
might. ‘Yep, it’s not magic, and look, the tip is missing.’
‘So where’s it?’
‘What’s that down
there?’ Digby pointed to long thin box that was haphazardly
nestling in a crack in the ground. He watched Nurn retrieve it and
rip it open.
‘Oooh,’ swooned
Nurn as he held up a variety of strange metal implements. ‘What
they Digs?’
Digby swung the sword
so that it pointed at Nurn. ‘Push one on there.’
Nurn picked up one
piece of metal that was saturated with holes and carefully clicked it
into place. ‘How did ya know?’
‘Saw the writing on
that booklet.’
Nurn looked down and
lifted it slowly. ‘Wha’s it say?’
‘You really should
learn to read one day Nurn, maybe you’d stop falling down wishing
wells and dangerous holes if you could read the signs. It says “The
Sword of Infinite Possibilities, sharp and flexible for all of your
cooking needs.”’
‘What?’
‘That thing you just
put on, I think that grates cheese.’
‘And thissun?’ Nurn
held up a wire contraption.
‘God knows. Anyway
collect it all up, we may as well take it anyway.’
‘What we going ta do
with it?’
‘Well we will use it
for now, then we will sell it to some cook or other.’
Nurn corralled all of
the pieces together and jammed them into his pack. ‘I don’t get
it. Were we fibbed ta?’
Digby sheathed the
sword in the large black scabbard that had been empty on his back for
the whole adventure. The special one with magic shielding and
anti-theft devices that he had provisioned for just the purpose of
retrieving a grade two magical sword. Bollocks. ‘I think Nurn, we
have been the victims of false advertising.’
Nurn nodded sadly and
sniffed. ‘Oh.’
‘Come on,’ said
Digby, let's get out of here.
‘Where to?’
‘Home, but we are
stopping at Mick's Tavern on the way.’
‘Why?’
