Dark Fiction - Super Hero
Written By Casey Douglass
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| Image used freely courtesy of Gratisography.com |
‘You’re not the super hero this area needs, you’re the one it deserves!’
The door thumped shut
behind him.
Steve pondered what had
just occurred. He’d been playing Fallout 4 while Beverly had been
reading. He’d called something out to the screen in a charming,
gentlemanly manner when a cheap-shot from a bandit had killed him yet
again. Bev had said something crass to him so he’d called her an
overly sensitive harridan and she’d hit the roof! He couldn’t be
one hundred percent sure of the wording, or even if the events had
really happened. Where did being a hero come into things? He sucked
his teeth.
The door opened and
shut sharply behind him once more. He looked down and found his eyes
met by those of a cross-eyed Jack Russell whose expression, besides
being hilarious, conveyed her annoyance at being dragged into yet
another one of his emotional messes.
‘And take Phoebe with
you!’ Bev’s voice sounded through the door.
He rubbed his chin.
That might have had some bearing on the events that had so recently
transpired. Phoebe always went a bit cross-eyed when she was
desperate for the toilet. Any other time, her eyes were totally fine,
which he pondered was very good news. He had such an empathic link
with her, his eyes were beginning to turn a little inwards too.
‘Come on Pheebs!
Let’s get you walked so I can see straight again!’
She turned her head
away, in disgust or looking at another visual image of him, he
couldn’t tell. He picked up her lead, the other end already being
conveniently connected to her collar by Bev, and stepped out into the
cold wintry air.
Dog shit enveloped the
edge of his right foot as a shaven-headed youth drove past in his
modified Corsa, the bass-beats making bubbles rise in the brown
sludge. A small light went on in Steve’s mind. The super hero
this area deserves. As he looked
around at the mouldy cheese poking out of someone’s letterbox and
the first acrid tang of dog shit hitting his nostrils, he had the
inkling that Bev just might have been taking the piss.
Reaching
the small bit of grassland where little Pheebs regularly enjoyed her
toilet motions, Steve stared into the distance, like a war hero in
search of his next war, but hoping not to find one. He felt the
retractable lead click and pull as her highness went for a little
wander. He thought he’d make a great super hero and to prove it,
he’d act like one for the next five minutes. He smiled. He had a
rich inner life that he could draw on at a moment’s notice and he
knew it! Maybe that could be his super power? It’d always saved him
after all: from boredom, bad weather and dull people. Thirty seconds
in and he’d already discovered his superpower!
His
heart raced as he watched Phoebe squat down. If she did a crap, he
wasn’t sure he had any bags with him to pick it up. He sighed in
relief as she looked over her shoulder at him. Did she just wink? A
golden stream hit the grass as he felt his eyes uncross in tandem
with hers.
‘Good
girl!’ he smiled. She looked away. He wondered what her superpower
might be.
He
gasped. What about his weakness? Sod the dog! He needed a weakness to
be a legit super hero! Most hero-types had something that was key to
their downfall. Superman had his kryptonite, the A-team were phobic
about actually killing people, and Captain America looked a right
tosser in his costume!
Steve
shook his head. He’d choose something obscure. Synapses flared
across his brain in arcs of brilliant neural-connective power. Anyone
carrying out a brain scan at the time would see the pattern
roughly make out the shape of fist a with a raised middle finger.
A
pierced penis! He gave the air a small air punch, casually looking
around afterwards to see if anyone might have witnessed the assault.
He was alone. Besides Phoebe, or rather, Phoebe was beside him
looking up at him with a new expression.
‘I’ve
got it Phoebe! I know what my weakness will be!’
She
sniffed and waited.
He
wasn’t sure why the topic of a pierced penis entered his mind. He’d
been trying to think of the most unpleasant things that he might have
to go through, but which he had control over and were so unlikely
that they wouldn't ever happen. He’d never liked the idea of having
a penile piercing, the thought was horrible. The mental image of a
slice of ham being perforated by a hole-punch loomed in his mind’s
eye. He shivered.
He
wasn’t sure what the effect of the aforementioned piercing might
be. Maybe he’d lose his will to be a super hero and just end up
sitting in front of the TV all day.
He
grinned. He had his superpower: a rich internal life, and his
weakness: a spiked sausage. Not bad for a few minute's thought.
‘Come
on Pheebs, let’s go home!’
Phoebe
shot off, the retractable lead whirring like a dynamo. Steve
struggled to keep up as they both passed a mother pushing her baby in
a stroller. As they neared home, Phoebe ran on, past the gateway,
hell-bent on going somewhere else.
‘No!’
Steve cried, ‘This way wonder dog!’ He pulled back on the lead
and the world seemed to turn. His super strength corralled the
twitchy Jack Russell, sinews straining as she slowly walked to the
left like he wanted her to.
Shit!
That wasn’t his superpower was it! Ah, but it was a product of his
rich inner life, so that was okay. Steve smiled, barely hearing the
baby pushing mother say: ‘What a twat!’
Dog
inside, lead undone, a triumphant stroll into the kitchen to kiss his
lady.
‘What
was that for?’ Bev asked, her eyes scanning him from head
to toe.
‘I
just wanted to show I loved you!’
‘And....?’
‘And
what my dearest?’
‘And
that’s why you’ve now walked dog shit all through the flat?’
Steve
turned and looked down at the floor, his eyes tracing the path of
smeary brown footprints. God damn it! He’d forgotten about the dog
shit!
‘Stand
back!’ he exclaimed. ‘I'll handle this!’
THE END
This story was
written in the hope that it makes my good friend Steve unleash the
kind of smirking giggle that he so excels at. Steve, his lovely
partner Beverly and their furry little friend Phoebe also featured in
another of my tales a few years ago, which you can read at this link.
