Wednesday, 30 May 2018

Name, Label, Disappointment

The other day I realised that I cringe when I hear or read my own name. It’s not that I dislike my name itself, besides having to grow up telling people Casey could be a boy’s name too, I quite like it. It’s more that I dislike the label, as it points to me.

My domain name renews shortly, so that’s why my mind has been on name stuff. I don’t know which cerebral jolt helped me put 2+2 together, and come out with “meh” as the answer, but it happened, and I’m stuck with it.

Hearing or seeing my name makes me remember who I am, bringing my sense of identity or self to mind. Sadly, I don’t particularly like myself, so it’s not the most useful mechanism for me at the moment.

I’ve worked on liking myself, but things just don’t seem to take. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, Acceptance, Mindfulness, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, Tonglen, to name just a few things. Nope, even on my “best” days, at most I can feel indifferent to myself.

I think it’s linked to a general lack of confidence. All of the wisdom that says confidence builds with practice at something doesn’t seem to apply to me. When my health issues make it hard for me to even brush my teeth with a steady hand, even the unpaid writing I do ends up squeezing my nuts and making me feel like there’s no real point to doing it any more.

I saw someone post the other day about taking yourself on a date. Well shit, at this moment in time, I’d stand myself up and go and do something fun with someone else. I don’t like feeling this way, but at the very least, I can at least acknowledge those feelings. I guess lying to myself would be even more unkind, so I know things could be worse. Silver linings and all that.