Six Years On...
This time last year I
was posting about the quiet year that had just passed for my website
and my writing. Another year has passed, and little has changed in
that respect.
On a purely financial
level, if the few jobs I had, once worked out per hour, met what I’d
get for even the lowliest UK minimum wage job, that would represent
my income per hour doubling. With my crummy health and only having an
hour or two per day, tops, to write, and to deal with other work
related stuff... it’s nothing but a source of stress and
frustration for me, no matter how I reframe it or try to look at it.
On a creative level, I
have the odd moment where I might find some enjoyment in doing
something, but mostly, that enjoyment is far removed and distant,
like watching other people have fun on TV, while you find yourself
too weak to get up from your bed. Much of the time, I see little
point in even starting anything, as the stuff that I do create only
ends up serving the purpose of making the time between waking up and
going to bed pass a little more quickly.
I’ve seemingly had
all the help available for my health issues, so it seems all I can do
now is to mark the time until I die. I feel disconnected from the
world, numb and cold, and despite years of doing my best to challenge
that feeling, it seems I have to accept that I will never have an
independent life and will never really amount to anything. All I can
do is look on and watch the clock.
