Food Review: Plantain Chips
I like to expand my horizons when the opportunity presents itself. Rather than searching for the venue of the local Fight Club, or getting into an argument with a piss head on the high street, I decided to treat myself to something in the International Food aisle at Tesco. I can’t actually remember the name of the aisle or section, but I would like to acknowledge that the chances are high that even our most British of British cuisine probably comes from distant shores too, but lets not get bogged down with semantics too soon.
As you will see from the picture, I bought myself a packet of Plantain Chips, hoping for some of the “rainforest magic” promised by the packaging. I envisioned myself maybe gaining the power to make it rain whenever I wanted, or to master the calls of myriad creatures, scaring the old and the young alike. At the least, I thought, these chips looked like they might be some kind of dried banana type thing, and I like bananas, so they should taste alright.
A Google search reveals that plantains are indeed a variety of banana, but starchier, less sweet, and inedible unless cooked. When I tasted a chip, I did get this bananary notion, but it was that of a subdued banana, the kind that might not have played the lottery last week and missed out on a hundred quid prize when a few of its usual numbers came out. The few times I’ve eaten dried banana, the taste has been more like an extrovert prancing around a party with its privates hanging out; it just gets your attention. The Plantain Chips were sweet, but in a less exhibitionist way. They’re also loudly crunchy, so I would avoid taking them anywhere that requires any modicum of quietness. Don’t take them to the cinema, as they would definitely violate the Wittertainment Code of Conduct.
Would I buy them again? I’m not sure. I do feel my life gained something from having tried them, and the “what is plantain” Internet search certainly gave me something to put in my mental trivia bank for a possible pub quiz one day, even though I don’t do pub quizzes. Never have, never will. All I know is that I danced with the possibility of disappointment and came out on the other side relatively unscathed and mildly satisfied, and that’s a win in my book any time.