Dark Fiction - Super Hero
Written By Casey Douglass
|Image used freely courtesy of Gratisography.com|
‘You’re not the super hero this area needs, you’re the one it deserves!’
The door thumped shut behind him.
Steve pondered what had just occurred. He’d been playing Fallout 4 while Beverly had been reading. He’d called something out to the screen in a charming, gentlemanly manner when a cheap-shot from a bandit had killed him yet again. Bev had said something crass to him so he’d called her an overly sensitive harridan and she’d hit the roof! He couldn’t be one hundred percent sure of the wording, or even if the events had really happened. Where did being a hero come into things? He sucked his teeth.
The door opened and shut sharply behind him once more. He looked down and found his eyes met by those of a cross-eyed Jack Russell whose expression, besides being hilarious, conveyed her annoyance at being dragged into yet another one of his emotional messes.
‘And take Phoebe with you!’ Bev’s voice sounded through the door.
He rubbed his chin. That might have had some bearing on the events that had so recently transpired. Phoebe always went a bit cross-eyed when she was desperate for the toilet. Any other time, her eyes were totally fine, which he pondered was very good news. He had such an empathic link with her, his eyes were beginning to turn a little inwards too.
‘Come on Pheebs! Let’s get you walked so I can see straight again!’
She turned her head away, in disgust or looking at another visual image of him, he couldn’t tell. He picked up her lead, the other end already being conveniently connected to her collar by Bev, and stepped out into the cold wintry air.
Dog shit enveloped the edge of his right foot as a shaven-headed youth drove past in his modified Corsa, the bass-beats making bubbles rise in the brown sludge. A small light went on in Steve’s mind. The super hero this area deserves. As he looked around at the mouldy cheese poking out of someone’s letterbox and the first acrid tang of dog shit hitting his nostrils, he had the inkling that Bev just might have been taking the piss.
Reaching the small bit of grassland where little Pheebs regularly enjoyed her toilet motions, Steve stared into the distance, like a war hero in search of his next war, but hoping not to find one. He felt the retractable lead click and pull as her highness went for a little wander. He thought he’d make a great super hero and to prove it, he’d act like one for the next five minutes. He smiled. He had a rich inner life that he could draw on at a moment’s notice and he knew it! Maybe that could be his super power? It’d always saved him after all: from boredom, bad weather and dull people. Thirty seconds in and he’d already discovered his superpower!
His heart raced as he watched Phoebe squat down. If she did a crap, he wasn’t sure he had any bags with him to pick it up. He sighed in relief as she looked over her shoulder at him. Did she just wink? A golden stream hit the grass as he felt his eyes uncross in tandem with hers.
‘Good girl!’ he smiled. She looked away. He wondered what her superpower might be.
He gasped. What about his weakness? Sod the dog! He needed a weakness to be a legit super hero! Most hero-types had something that was key to their downfall. Superman had his kryptonite, the A-team were phobic about actually killing people, and Captain America looked a right tosser in his costume!
Steve shook his head. He’d choose something obscure. Synapses flared across his brain in arcs of brilliant neural-connective power. Anyone carrying out a brain scan at the time would see the pattern roughly make out the shape of fist a with a raised middle finger.
A pierced penis! He gave the air a small air punch, casually looking around afterwards to see if anyone might have witnessed the assault. He was alone. Besides Phoebe, or rather, Phoebe was beside him looking up at him with a new expression.
‘I’ve got it Phoebe! I know what my weakness will be!’
She sniffed and waited.
He wasn’t sure why the topic of a pierced penis entered his mind. He’d been trying to think of the most unpleasant things that he might have to go through, but which he had control over and were so unlikely that they wouldn't ever happen. He’d never liked the idea of having a penile piercing, the thought was horrible. The mental image of a slice of ham being perforated by a hole-punch loomed in his mind’s eye. He shivered.
He wasn’t sure what the effect of the aforementioned piercing might be. Maybe he’d lose his will to be a super hero and just end up sitting in front of the TV all day.
He grinned. He had his superpower: a rich internal life, and his weakness: a spiked sausage. Not bad for a few minute's thought.
‘Come on Pheebs, let’s go home!’
Phoebe shot off, the retractable lead whirring like a dynamo. Steve struggled to keep up as they both passed a mother pushing her baby in a stroller. As they neared home, Phoebe ran on, past the gateway, hell-bent on going somewhere else.
‘No!’ Steve cried, ‘This way wonder dog!’ He pulled back on the lead and the world seemed to turn. His super strength corralled the twitchy Jack Russell, sinews straining as she slowly walked to the left like he wanted her to.
Shit! That wasn’t his superpower was it! Ah, but it was a product of his rich inner life, so that was okay. Steve smiled, barely hearing the baby pushing mother say: ‘What a twat!’
Dog inside, lead undone, a triumphant stroll into the kitchen to kiss his lady.
‘What was that for?’ Bev asked, her eyes scanning him from head to toe.
‘I just wanted to show I loved you!’
‘And what my dearest?’
‘And that’s why you’ve now walked dog shit all through the flat?’
Steve turned and looked down at the floor, his eyes tracing the path of smeary brown footprints. God damn it! He’d forgotten about the dog shit!
‘Stand back!’ he exclaimed. ‘I'll handle this!’
This story was written in the hope that it makes my good friend Steve unleash the kind of smirking giggle that he so excels at. Steve, his lovely partner Beverly and their furry little friend Phoebe also featured in another of my tales a few years ago, which you can read at this link.